Better n' nothing i guess.....
A Cobra helicopter practicing
auto rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and
landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on
its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks.
As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard: Tower:
"Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "Don't know, tower. We ain't done
crashin' yet."
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on
downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat
the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing
with his approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right
at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of highway 5 back
to the airport."
Tower: "American 702 heavy, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7." American 702: "Tower, American 702 heavy switching to
Departure...by the way,
as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on
the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from American?" Continental
635,
cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied American and we've already
notified our caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, 5 miles, eastbound." United 329:
"Approach, I've always wanted
to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
A C-141 was preparing for departure from
a base in Thule, Greenland and they were waiting for the
truck to arrive to
pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a
hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was
extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the Aircraft Commander
berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised to pursue punitive action,
the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am
stationed in Thule and I am pumping shit out of airplanes. Just what are you
planning to do to punish me?"
==============================
At a Catholic Church, a drunk man staggers in, sits down in a confession
box
and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention,
but
the man still says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall in a
final
attempt to get the man to speak .....then again he knocks .....and
again.
Finally, the drunk yells out, "No use knockin' man! Ain't no
paper on this
side either!"
=================================
LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES ..
1. Women should not
have children after 35.
Really... 35
kids are enough for anybody.
2. I
live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
me
here.
3. Nobody is perfect until you
fall in love with them.
4. Home is where
you can say anything you like 'cause
nobody listens to you
anyway.
5. If God had intended for man to
use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had
ten disciples!
6. "I saw a woman
wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said,
'Thyroid problem?'"
7. When you stop
believing in Santa Claus is when you start
getting
clothes for Christmas!
8. Sign In Oriental
Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one
flea..."
9. Money can't buy
happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live
with.
10. I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool
for that.
12. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the
'terminal'?
13. I see your IQ test results were
negative.
14. Regular naps prevent old age....
especially if you take
them while
driving.
15. When I was born, I was so surprised I
couldn't talk for a
year and a
half.
18. I have learned there is little difference
in husbands, you
might as well keep the
first.
22. After all is said and done, usually more
is said than done.
23. I am a nobody, nobody is
perfect, therefore I am perfect.
24. I married my
wife for her looks but not the ones she's
been
giving me lately!
25. Two peanuts were walking
down the street. One
was a
salted.
26. "No one ever says, "It's only a game,"
when their team
is
winning."
27. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I
put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS
18."
28. "How come we choose from just two people
for
president and 50 for Miss
America?"
29. Ever notice that people who spend money on
beer,
cigarettes, and lottery
tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not
feeling well?
30. How long a minute is depends
on what side of the
bathroom door you're
on.
31. Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber,
not the
toy.
32. Isn't having a smoking section in a
restaurant like having
a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
33. I earn a seven figure
salary. Unfortunately, there's a
decimal point
involved.
34. The next time you feel like complaining,
remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats
better than thirty
percent of the people in
this world.
35. Snowmen fall from Heaven
unassembled.
=========================
A Smile For
You
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like
the
flu,
When
someone smiled at me today, I started
smiling
too.
I passed
around the corner and someone saw
my
grin
When they
smiled I realized I'd passed it
on
again!
I though
about that smile then realized
it's
worth,
A single
smile, just like mine could travel
around the
earth.
So if
you feel a smile begin, don't leave
it
undetected
Let's
start an epidemic quick, and get the
world infected!
=================================
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year
or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on
very
well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if
he
could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick." The lawyer said that
he
could.
Speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and
asked
him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any
grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and
half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you
up?
POLE: No, I'm always up
before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a
nagger?
POLE: No, she
white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this
divorce?
POLE: She going to kill
me.
LAWYER: What makes you think
that?
POLE: I got
proof.
LAWYER: What kind of
proof?
POLE: She bought a
bottle at the drug store, and put
on
shelf in
bathroom.
I can read -- It said "Polish
Remover."
===============================
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking
havoc
throughout
> the national system.
> >
> >Beware
of:
> >
> >THE GEORGE BUSH Virus...(Causes your computer to
think it won the
election,
> >even though the motherboard and
fatherboard bought it.)
> >
> >THE AL GORE Virus...(Causes
your computer to just keep counting)
> >
> >THE CLINTON
Virus...(Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
> >
>
>THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of
an
old
> >
> >floppy)
> >
> >THE LEWINSKY
virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
>
>emails everyone about what it did)
> >
> >THE RONALD
REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored)
>
>
> >THE JESSE JACKSON virus... (Warns you constantly about
illegitimate
file
> >
> >reproduction, while illegitimately
reproducing files in the
background)
> >
> >THE MIKE TYSON
virus...(Quits after two bytes)
> >
> >THE OPRAH WINFREY
virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb,
then
> >slowly
expands to restabilize around 200mb)
> >
> >THE JACK KEVORKIAN
virus...(Deletes all old files)
> >
> >THE PROZAC
virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't
>
>care)
> >
> >THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks
minor files)
> >
> >THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but
will
> >be back)
>
>
> >and last but not least...............
> >
>
>THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5
inch
> >floppy, then discards it through
Windows